In the attached file is my original paper and below is the critique I received. Can you just make the changes to the paper based on the suggestion from my teacher thanks.
This is a really good start, and I think the way to improve is to be a little bit more clear and fluid as you summarize and analyze.
For instance, the second paragraph is a bit out of place. Why are you telling us about Hendrick? What’s the point?
The next topic sentence about the American sports culture is really good, but you don’t really say what that means. You just talk about the audience demographics. So that paragraph too could use some explanation for what you mean.
The social media paragraph gets better, because it gives the example of how people discuss the events. But at this point, discussing a huge sporting event on Twitter is pretty standard behavior for fans, and it doesn’t exactly support the assertion that NASCAR sponsors are “forward thinkers” on social media.
The same applies to the next two paragraphs. You need to further refine the point you’re making about NASCAR and how you will support it. You have a lot of great info here, but you want to tie it all together and unite it under a few strong ideas.
